


Denial

by Violet_Quaileggs



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: 6x01, M/M, season 6 spoiler, the diner scene, the prison scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 03:09:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5611624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Violet_Quaileggs/pseuds/Violet_Quaileggs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are a lot of fans that are frustrated over what happened in the season premire between Ian and Mick (including me). And they blamed the writers, blamed Ian for what happened. But after rewatching it half a dozen times (although it hurts like a bitch), I have had a new perpective about it. So this is what I think was going on in Ian's head and hopefully it was what the writers was intended too</p>
            </blockquote>





	Denial

He went to jail. He went to fucking jail. Shit. He's going to be in there for a long fucking time, a really long time for the crime he was charged with. Fuck. He's gone. This is not juvie, he wouldn't be out in a year, fuck, if it is a year maybe we could fix what ever this is. 

 15 years, that was what Svets said. 15. 15 years with him in the slammer while I'm out here, alone, dealing with.... Fuck. I love him, of-fucking-course I love him. But he's in there. I can't have him. I can't.... I won't be able to hold him. Can't hear his nagging for pills, can't feel him on my skin, can't... can't do shit but longing. I don't want to long for him. I don't want to feel this way. It hurts feeling this way. I hate this feeling.I don't want to love him anymore but that's the thing, I do love him. Shit, I can't stop loving him unless I do something about it. They say "The more you say it, the truer it gets". Maybe that is what I need to do. Tell myself what I want to hear. Tell myself that I no longer love him. That I don't need him anymore. That I'm done with the part of my life that has him in it. I don't need him. I can't need him.

 "We need to go see Mickey" - Svetlana asks me. I want to. Fuck I want to. But I can't see him, because if I see that pale face, those tattooed knuckles, that raven hair again, I wouldn't be able to leave, wouldn't be able to let go. I can't see him. I don't need him

 "I'd pay you" - She says. Jesus, stop tempting me. I can't see him. I can't. 

_But I want to._ No, you can't think that. You don't need him. 

 Alright, I'd take the money. That's the only reason I accept it. The money. I don't need Mickey. The more you say it, the truer it gets, the more you say it, the truer it gets. I don't need him

 

 

Svets just said something to him about an eye. Weird shit. Oh fuck. Now he wants to see me. Fuck. _He looks tired. Is he okay_? Fuck, stop thinking that. I don't need him. I don't care about him. Just stare down, don't look, don't look into those beautiful blue eyes, just...

 "Thanks for coming back" - He says. _God, I miss his voice_. No, no, I don't need him. No. 

 "Yeah. Svetlana paid me" I have to let him believe he isn't worth more than few bucks to me. Fuck,  _I_ have to belive he isn't worth more than few bucks to me. Don't look in his eyes, don't

 "You look good" - He says after a pause. 

 _Tell him the good news, that you're finally on meds again_. No I won't do that. I can't keep the hopes up

 

"Got a new tattoo. Did it myself. Hurt like a son of a bitch" - He attempts to lift mood as he unbottons his shirts. Don't smile at it. Don't show affection. 

 "Gallagher spells with two l's" Just put him down. Don't encourage him. His eyes widen as he pulls his shirts out for a look

 "No it's fucking not"

  _He's such an idiot._

Fuck, damnit. No you can't laugh, you can't be happy with someone you no longer need. You no longer need Mickey. He's not your idiot anymore. Stop being happy. Just stop because you can not have him, so being happy now would only hurt you later. You don't need him. You don't need him. 

  _I can hear him snorts out a smile though. He has great smiles_

 

"Been thinkin' 'bout you" Fuck, why do you have to say that Mickey? Fuck. 

 "Ever think of me?" _Yes, all day, everyday._ Stop thinking that. Stop. Don't look in his eyes. Don't look into his hopeful eyes. Don't

 

"Gotta wait for me?" 

 "You'd be in here for 15 years" Yes, deny it. Deny every hope, it could only be false. Deny them. Just deny them

 "Yeah but I'll be out in 8 with good behaviour" - He says with a smirk.

 "You tried to kill my sister" Just keep denying it. Don't let any hope in. Be angry at him dispite the feeling you have

 "Half sister! One.. two.. Like you give a shit. Bitch had it coming, calling the MPs on you-- " His rant gets interupted by a bell buzz. Time's up. Run now. Run away. Stop looking at him. Look at him any longer and you won't be able to let go. Come on

 

 

"Will you?... Wait?" _The hope in his voice prompting me to say yes because I do want to wait_. But I can't. I can't. I don't need--

 

"Fucking lie if you have to. 8 years' a long time" _I want to wait, Mickey. I want to take you home the day you are finally realeased. I want to wait._ But I can't. I won't. He tells me to lie, I'll lie. I'll tell myself otherwise

 

"Yeah..... yeah.. I can wait" Don't look in his eyes. Just get out. Now while you can. Now before you cave before him. Now when you're still convinced that you don't need him. Don't stay for another sec or you'll feel that need again. Just go. 

 

You don't need him

You don't need him

You don't need him

 

_I need him_

 

**Author's Note:**

> That's my intepretation of the fucking scene. Probably not what the fucking writers had in mind but at least I feel better, so what the hell.  
> I hate season 6 already


End file.
